Mirror, Mirror

I attended the Friday Chapel service at my daughter's school today. Why? Because she just turned 11, and because it's already the 3rd to last Friday of this school year and I hadn't been to one since January. Thankfully, she is still willing to sit next to her "old man" instead of her classmates.

The theme of today's service was "Mirror, Mirror" and I was surprised to get more out of it than I expected.

The worship leader and scripture reader touched upon several topics that resonated with me but one of the most powerful questions was "Have you ever been afraid to look in the mirror?"

Full disclosure, for some weird reason, I don't look in mirrors or windows or take (many) selfies. This has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember...dating back to middle school.  I believe it has contributed to a crippling sense of self-worth and confidence that has produced impacts in my personal and professional life.

The service continued to warn against the trappings of our superficial society, warning about the pleasures of the flesh and how meaningless things such as outward appearance are to God. The liturgist/guitarist included a rendition of Colbie Callait's song "Try" which, though from a female perspective, perfectly captured the spirit of the service.

The concluding message was that God loves us for ourselves and that maybe we should see inner selves, accept that our flaws are trivial, and truly love ourselves as well. Which is a message that I must take to heart and work on as well, even at my advanced age.

Wednesday morning in Wilmington

I arrived here about 8 last night after a circuitous and exhausting day. One in which I'd planned to drive a rental car from Newpport News to Wilmington only to end up driving my own car frmo Charlotte.

Unable to calm my mind, I was up on Amazon.com looking for the best phone mount to use on the stem of my road bike. A weird obsession given the fact that I'm only 7 days past pretty severe shoulder surgery and am literally 12 weeks away from riding my bike out on the road at all. Such is the troubled mind.

Actually my work related obsession at the moment is to make my own short training videos. These would be for customers and cover simple topics that are often buried under our somewhat ponderous 1 to 2 hour training videos. Besides, knowing how to shoot, edit, and upload short videos is an absolutely critical skill these days. Perhaps I can enlist the help of my 10 year old daughter, as it would be a critical skill for her future as well. We could learn together!

Sunday morning progress update

Kicked off today bright and early at around 5 am after another on/off night. Sleeping about 2 hours at a stretch now. I had to take painkillers (2x5mg Oxy) at 4am because my shoulder was just really aching deep inside the joint. It had been over 18 hours since my last dose though so that was encouraging. I hope to be completely off the Oxy in another day or two...switching to Motrin/Advil if needed.

I did my PT exercises with Elizabeth's help. Theyre not much right now, merely 15-20 degrees of external rotation at 90degree elbow followed by 90degrees of anterior lateral raise at 180 extension. Then I did several minutes of light stretching movements along with my shoulder blade shrugs.

Elizabeth replaced my 5 standard bandaids with water proof versions so I could take a shower. She found the site of the incisions quite revolting, which I don't really understand...it's just pinched and stitched skin. Afterwards, I was able to easily take my first shower since Tuesday, although I could only wash my body and hair with my left hand. I kept wondering how much luckier I am than those veterans who lost limbs traumatically and have to deal with the aftermath of such losses for the rest of their lives. I really DO have so much to be grateful for and SO LITTLE to complain about.

I'm still super motivated to get my fitness back now. I WANT to become fit again to the point of being able to compete at a high level in strength and endurance events. I want to do cross fit, to lift heavy weights, to be ripped, to complete obstacle races and marathons again. I want my active life back! These are where my friends are and I miss having a support group. I want it back!

Friday morning thoughts

Last night I felt positive for the first time in what seems like weeks. It might be due to a sudden realization that I needed to change my mindset.

I decided that I'm going to be a winner in 2018.

• I'm going to get into phenomenal shape, the shape of my life, because I have so many advantages and really no excuses, other than lack of effort.
• I will be lean, mean, and agile
• I love the way I feel when I am exercising and healthy

I'm not going to be a victim of my circumstances, in fact, I'm going to create better circumstances. 

I've been reading and absorbing motivational writings and sayings for years. Repeat them enough and they become your inner voice. Here are some that come to mind:

• "(Forget about) motivation, just start!" David Goggins
• Every time you decide, you're cutting something off completely. In fact, the Latin root of the word means 'to cut.'" Tony Robbins
• "Identify your MIT, your Most Important Task, and make sure it is the first thing you do every day." Kevin Kruse
• "Become the person you want to attract."
• "Eliminate the negative and toxic people in your life."
• "It's not about being like, it's about being influential." 

Early am thoughts

I've been up since about 4 am. Yesterday afternoon and evening were pretty rough in terms of post  op pain from my shoulder surgery. I was trying to stay ahead of the pain by taking Oxycodone as prescribed, 10mg every 3-4 hours but somehow I missed the early afternoon dose, so by around 5pm I was chasing after it.

I woke up after a pretty good nights sleep, which these days is about 2-3 hours without waking. Not having the dog's bed in the bedroom was key as she didn't wake us up, which had become an annoying habit.

I thought of many things including:

• I need to learn how to pray. It always feel awkward and as if I'm ignorant of the proper parts of a prayer. Even as simple as opeing the prayer. I don't want to pray to ask for things as much as to give gratitude, for every day I marvel at my blessings and I believe that expressing this gratitude makes me a better employee, husband, father, and community member.
• I want a new bike...and to me, a nice used one would be just as nice. My bike is a 2009, and while perfectly functional, is showing it's age. Not to mention that technology has come a long way since 2009. Disc brakes are becoming standard  for exmaple. I'd like to trade or sell two of my current bikes, the 2009 Trek Madone 5.2 and the 2013 Felt tri bike.
• I wonder if we should get our roof redone? I had a quote last year for about $7k which isn't bad, considering. However, I have some debt to pay down first. 
• I need to sell our 3rd car. There's no reason to hang onto it anymore. It's perfectly functional although the CEL recently came on. I believe it is just an O2 sensor or possibly loose gas cap or bad fuel. Since it is supposed to be 76 degrees today, there is no excuse for not getting it cleaned up and listed. That would put some immediate cash into my account. 
• According to Turbo Tax, the form I've needed from the IRS will be available on 2/15. I think it was already delayed once from 2/8. This is the only thing keeping me from filing our 2017 taxes which would give us a small refund to go towards our remodeling. 

What are you running from?

I've been trying to start running again. Running is good for your heart, your mind, and your soul. Running helps you lose or maintain weight, it sends oxygen to your brain, and expands your lungs.

Even with all of those benefits, it is hard to make myself run.

This morning I walked/ran two miles. I do my best thinking while running/biking or swimming...unfortunately its kind of hard to write anything down during those activities...especially swimming.

A sense came over me that I'm not so much running towards anything at this point in my life. I know I'm pretty sure I'll never win my AG or probably not even medal in a race.

This morning it felt like I was running AWAY from something. Maybe it was a sense of laziness, being tired of not being active, tired of making excuses. Guilt from feeling like I'm aging exactly in the manner I was afraid of...getting fatter and slower. Running from FOMO after seeing all my social media friends post updates of bike races, runs, and triathlons. All of those fears and doubts are demons that poison my ambitions. So I guess I felt like I was running away from demons.

What demons are you running from?

Ankle Surgery Update Day 29 Post-Op

Yesterday was 4 weeks to the day of my Posterior Tibial Tendon Debridement and reinforcement surgery. I'm not scheduled to meet with the doctor who performed the operation for another two weeks. I've been very happy with my progress so far although I'm ready to be done with my walking cast (black boot) permanently!

As you can see in the photo, my wound is completely sealed and scab-free. 

According to the foot surgery atlas I should be able to start walking without crutches, in just the walking cast, at four weeks. I have to confess that I've been walking in the boot only for about two weeks now, much to the chagrin of my wife. It just felt like the combination of the boot and the crutches was too much.

Yesterday I took the boot off completely and gingerly walked across the bedroom. Though my steps were careful and measured, I was happy to get some sense of what it will be like to walk pain free again. I made sure I didn't put too much weight on the left ankle nor flex it much beyond 90 degrees. It feels pretty good, though the skin and the tendon still feel tight. I think I might be able to begin physical therapy in a couple of weeks. I sincerely hope to be cleared to walk in normal shoes or boots by then as well! 

Still a good bit of swelling in comparison to the right ankle, but I don't have the tender spots above and behind the malleolus that I had prior to the surgery.

Ankle Surgery Update: Day 19 Post-Op

It's hard to believe Tuesday will be 3 weeks, or 21 days exactly, from my ankle surgery. All in all, I seem to be recuperating more rapidly than I thought I would, which I'm thrilled about!

My incision looks a lot better; most of the scabbed over areas are gone along with a top layer of epididymis. It peeled like sunburned or blistered skin...not sure why.

I returned the knee roller to OrthoCarolina on Thursday of last week, instead using the walking cast with or without crutches, much to my wife's consternation. The PA at OrthoCarolina, Mike, told us that he didn't want me to put more than 50% of my normal weight on the leg for about 3 weeks - that was about 12 days ago.

So, to recap, I'm able to walk fairly normally with just a walking cast - but my left leg gets tired after an hour or two of being upright. Elevating it with the cast off for a few minutes helps a lot - I guess the pressure of the cast still interferes with the blood flow and causes soreness.

Confidentially, today I tried some careful walking...a few feet in the bedroom...without the cast. I don't think I'm ready to attempt any normal walking yet...maybe by next weekend. Caroline and I are going to Charleston with friends so I'm sure there'll be a lot of walking there!

Also, this past week I found a site that explains my procedure in great detail. http://www.footsurgeryatlas.com/lib/foot/hindfoot/tendon-hindfoot/tibialis-posterior-tendon-debridement/operation/1
My doctor explained that I needed both a debridement and FDL tendon transfer.  The surgical pictures are from a right leg whereas mine was on my left leg. Still very helpful to my understanding of just what was done and what I can expect on recovery.

Posterior Tibial Tendon Surgery, 10 days post-op, removal of the surgical dressings

My ankle surgery was on a Tuesday (October 18th) and the dressings were removed on the following Friday. Here are the (gruesome) photos for your enjoyment :)

Stapled me shut with about 25 of them!

Lots of bruising and swelling!

Looks pretty awful from this angle! My arch is all swollen and I have pooled blood near my heel. 

Ankle Surgery Post Op: Day 2

The surgery was Tuesday morning and it is now Thursday morning so it's technically Day 2, but it feels like Day 3. Probably because Day 1 was so long and troublesome. I now know that I can't tolerate Percocet very well at all!

I slept from midnight until 4 am, when I woke to use the bathroom, get a drink, and take two more Tramadol. I read about the 3rd, and final, Presidential debate, then dozed off again at 4:30 until 6:30 am.

My leg aches inside, near the incision, which I haven't actually seen yet. Now that the nerve block has completely worn off, I have to be more careful of movement, to avoid sharp pains - I don't want to risk pulling my sutures at all.

10:30 took my first shower. That was an adventure...a little taste of what life as an 80 year will be like, should I be so lucky.

Ankle Surgery: Post Op Day 1

6:55 am. It feels like electricity in my toes when my wife touches them. This different from yesterday when I couldn't really feel anything.

7:30 vomited into bucket at bedside.

8:55 am. I just realized I'm able to move my toes again.

12pm Ate a few spoonfuls of homemade chicken noodle soup.

2pm Took Tums for stomach gas.

4pm Ate a piece of toast and took 1 Percocet.

7:00 pm vomited again immediately after .

8:00 pm Elizabeth called the doctor's office and told them of my intolerance for Percocet. The doctor said it was quite common and recommended a switch to Tramadol. She picked up the prescription and I popped two tablets around 9 pm. I waited a few hours for the nausea and reflux to set in again but was pleased when it didn't.

We watched a good movie, The Imitation Game, just she and I for the first time in months. Then retired at about 11:30. I tried to read for a few minutes then dozed off.

Aric Almirola leads Richard Petty Motorsports 24 Hours of Booty Team

Aric Almirola was looking for ways to give more back to the local community. A longtime recreational cyclist, he decided to form a fundraising team at Richard Petty Motorsports for the 24Hours Of Booty charity bike ride.                     Aric is also an endorser of Advocare fitness products, who sponsor the Number 6 car of driver Trevor Bayne. As a long time cyclist myself, I can attest that Advocare's products can help your endurance and power on the bike. 

My favorite products for cycling are: 

• O2Gold - for increased oxygen capacity. They call this the "3rd lung."
• Post-Workout Recovery - taken within 30 minutes of a ride, it gets my legs ready for the next day. 
• Arginine Extreme - for increased blood flow during strenuous activity. Works like beet juice by proving nitric oxide to your muscles. 

See all of the Performance Elite Products here: http://www.advocare.com/products/performance_elite.aspx

Getting back on the health & fitness track after losing motivation, at age 49

It's not easy to start a fitness regimen at any age. And it's not easy to re-start a regimen once you have lost motivation. In my experience, you don't HAVE to hit rock bottom, where you're completely disgusted with yourself...but wherever you are, the important thing is to DECIDE that you're going to change.

I fell off the exercise wagon because of stress. Which is ironic because giving up exercise is giving in to stress. I know from experience that exercise is medicine, or therapy. It is a fact that exercise produces endorphins which are natural mood boosters.  

But I let my stressors, mainly centered around job loss and the resulting severe financial pressure, get the best of me. I wanted to spend every waking moment focused on fixing my situation, sending out resumes, reaching out to everyone for advice, and searching for a solution to my problems. I felt that exercise was frivolous and self-indulgent, though I knew deep inside that it was not. My depression only grew worse as I blew off workout after workout. 

I still struggle with the depression. Every day is a roller coaster ride of emotions as new doors open and then close in my face. It is so hard not to take every rejection, every unreturned email or phone call personally. I've also started to get angry at my friends for not recognizing how miserable I am and not offering to help. You read about suicides every day and everyone always says afterward..."If only I knew what he was going through." (Note: I don't think I'm suicidal, but if you think you are, please call a professional immediately!)

The point is, that today, I made the DECISION to not let my situation get any worse. I went on a run...and it was hard after a 2 week layoff. But I didn't stop until I'd run two miles...then I walked a 3rd. It was a struggle to get through the first mile, and I lost form during the second mile, but I felt reborn at the end.

Maybe getting back on my exercise routine will do more than band-aid my symptoms. Perhaps it will be the basis of my resurgence, and the foundation of my mental recovery. I hope so. 

Apple Macbook Pro Message App hanging

Recently, the messages app on my Macbook pro started hanging. I had no idea what caused it and thought it was related to a recent software upgrade (to El Capitan.)

The app would open, then go into the "spinning wheel" mode where nothing happened at all. It seemed to last forever and my only option was to do a "force quit." I had to rely on my phone to send/receive messages.

After several days of searching, I finally found the thread with the answer:
https://discussions.apple.com/thread/7408309?start=0&tstart=0

It turns out the problem is due to the Contacts app. I had contacts enabled for both my icloud and gmail accounts. When I turned off icloud (as I have over 1500 in gmail) then restarted Messages, the problem was no more.

Ralph, I don't know you but God bless you!

Ten Tired Traffic Myths - still alive and kicking

Our region is home to one of the top 6 transportation boondoggles in the country right now - the I-77 toll lanes project.

While the contract itself appears to be fraught with problems and penalties, such as penalties for building nearby projects that take traffic away from the toll road, the opponents keep touting Myth 1 as if it is the obvious answer.

The answer to me is actually in Myth #7, get a little bit of traffic off the roads, and you get a significant reduction is delay times. This is because traffic delays are non-linear. I don't expect the toll road opponents to understand that because they have problems with Myth #1, which is kind of math dependent as well.

http://www.citylab.com/commute/2015/12/10-tired-traffic-myths-that-didnt-get-a-rest-in-2015/422274/