Mirror, Mirror

I attended the Friday Chapel service at my daughter's school today. Why? Because she just turned 11, and because it's already the 3rd to last Friday of this school year and I hadn't been to one since January. Thankfully, she is still willing to sit next to her "old man" instead of her classmates.

The theme of today's service was "Mirror, Mirror" and I was surprised to get more out of it than I expected.

The worship leader and scripture reader touched upon several topics that resonated with me but one of the most powerful questions was "Have you ever been afraid to look in the mirror?"

Full disclosure, for some weird reason, I don't look in mirrors or windows or take (many) selfies. This has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember...dating back to middle school.  I believe it has contributed to a crippling sense of self-worth and confidence that has produced impacts in my personal and professional life.

The service continued to warn against the trappings of our superficial society, warning about the pleasures of the flesh and how meaningless things such as outward appearance are to God. The liturgist/guitarist included a rendition of Colbie Callait's song "Try" which, though from a female perspective, perfectly captured the spirit of the service.

The concluding message was that God loves us for ourselves and that maybe we should see inner selves, accept that our flaws are trivial, and truly love ourselves as well. Which is a message that I must take to heart and work on as well, even at my advanced age.

Wednesday morning in Wilmington

I arrived here about 8 last night after a circuitous and exhausting day. One in which I'd planned to drive a rental car from Newpport News to Wilmington only to end up driving my own car frmo Charlotte.

Unable to calm my mind, I was up on Amazon.com looking for the best phone mount to use on the stem of my road bike. A weird obsession given the fact that I'm only 7 days past pretty severe shoulder surgery and am literally 12 weeks away from riding my bike out on the road at all. Such is the troubled mind.

Actually my work related obsession at the moment is to make my own short training videos. These would be for customers and cover simple topics that are often buried under our somewhat ponderous 1 to 2 hour training videos. Besides, knowing how to shoot, edit, and upload short videos is an absolutely critical skill these days. Perhaps I can enlist the help of my 10 year old daughter, as it would be a critical skill for her future as well. We could learn together!

Sunday morning progress update

Kicked off today bright and early at around 5 am after another on/off night. Sleeping about 2 hours at a stretch now. I had to take painkillers (2x5mg Oxy) at 4am because my shoulder was just really aching deep inside the joint. It had been over 18 hours since my last dose though so that was encouraging. I hope to be completely off the Oxy in another day or two...switching to Motrin/Advil if needed.

I did my PT exercises with Elizabeth's help. Theyre not much right now, merely 15-20 degrees of external rotation at 90degree elbow followed by 90degrees of anterior lateral raise at 180 extension. Then I did several minutes of light stretching movements along with my shoulder blade shrugs.

Elizabeth replaced my 5 standard bandaids with water proof versions so I could take a shower. She found the site of the incisions quite revolting, which I don't really understand...it's just pinched and stitched skin. Afterwards, I was able to easily take my first shower since Tuesday, although I could only wash my body and hair with my left hand. I kept wondering how much luckier I am than those veterans who lost limbs traumatically and have to deal with the aftermath of such losses for the rest of their lives. I really DO have so much to be grateful for and SO LITTLE to complain about.

I'm still super motivated to get my fitness back now. I WANT to become fit again to the point of being able to compete at a high level in strength and endurance events. I want to do cross fit, to lift heavy weights, to be ripped, to complete obstacle races and marathons again. I want my active life back! These are where my friends are and I miss having a support group. I want it back!

Friday morning thoughts

Last night I felt positive for the first time in what seems like weeks. It might be due to a sudden realization that I needed to change my mindset.

I decided that I'm going to be a winner in 2018.

• I'm going to get into phenomenal shape, the shape of my life, because I have so many advantages and really no excuses, other than lack of effort.
• I will be lean, mean, and agile
• I love the way I feel when I am exercising and healthy

I'm not going to be a victim of my circumstances, in fact, I'm going to create better circumstances. 

I've been reading and absorbing motivational writings and sayings for years. Repeat them enough and they become your inner voice. Here are some that come to mind:

• "(Forget about) motivation, just start!" David Goggins
• Every time you decide, you're cutting something off completely. In fact, the Latin root of the word means 'to cut.'" Tony Robbins
• "Identify your MIT, your Most Important Task, and make sure it is the first thing you do every day." Kevin Kruse
• "Become the person you want to attract."
• "Eliminate the negative and toxic people in your life."
• "It's not about being like, it's about being influential." 

Early am thoughts

I've been up since about 4 am. Yesterday afternoon and evening were pretty rough in terms of post  op pain from my shoulder surgery. I was trying to stay ahead of the pain by taking Oxycodone as prescribed, 10mg every 3-4 hours but somehow I missed the early afternoon dose, so by around 5pm I was chasing after it.

I woke up after a pretty good nights sleep, which these days is about 2-3 hours without waking. Not having the dog's bed in the bedroom was key as she didn't wake us up, which had become an annoying habit.

I thought of many things including:

• I need to learn how to pray. It always feel awkward and as if I'm ignorant of the proper parts of a prayer. Even as simple as opeing the prayer. I don't want to pray to ask for things as much as to give gratitude, for every day I marvel at my blessings and I believe that expressing this gratitude makes me a better employee, husband, father, and community member.
• I want a new bike...and to me, a nice used one would be just as nice. My bike is a 2009, and while perfectly functional, is showing it's age. Not to mention that technology has come a long way since 2009. Disc brakes are becoming standard  for exmaple. I'd like to trade or sell two of my current bikes, the 2009 Trek Madone 5.2 and the 2013 Felt tri bike.
• I wonder if we should get our roof redone? I had a quote last year for about $7k which isn't bad, considering. However, I have some debt to pay down first. 
• I need to sell our 3rd car. There's no reason to hang onto it anymore. It's perfectly functional although the CEL recently came on. I believe it is just an O2 sensor or possibly loose gas cap or bad fuel. Since it is supposed to be 76 degrees today, there is no excuse for not getting it cleaned up and listed. That would put some immediate cash into my account. 
• According to Turbo Tax, the form I've needed from the IRS will be available on 2/15. I think it was already delayed once from 2/8. This is the only thing keeping me from filing our 2017 taxes which would give us a small refund to go towards our remodeling. 

What are you running from?

I've been trying to start running again. Running is good for your heart, your mind, and your soul. Running helps you lose or maintain weight, it sends oxygen to your brain, and expands your lungs.

Even with all of those benefits, it is hard to make myself run.

This morning I walked/ran two miles. I do my best thinking while running/biking or swimming...unfortunately its kind of hard to write anything down during those activities...especially swimming.

A sense came over me that I'm not so much running towards anything at this point in my life. I know I'm pretty sure I'll never win my AG or probably not even medal in a race.

This morning it felt like I was running AWAY from something. Maybe it was a sense of laziness, being tired of not being active, tired of making excuses. Guilt from feeling like I'm aging exactly in the manner I was afraid of...getting fatter and slower. Running from FOMO after seeing all my social media friends post updates of bike races, runs, and triathlons. All of those fears and doubts are demons that poison my ambitions. So I guess I felt like I was running away from demons.

What demons are you running from?