This morning I saw an interview with one of Lee Malvo's relatives, a man who claims he turned in the snipers, an interview with a boy abused by a Catholic Priest, and a video of man catching fire while gassing up his car. Then I saw that we are blasting the Iraqi declaration already.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world..........

At what amount of ingestion does cough syrup become toxic?

Imagine if there was a really dumb Jerry Seinfeld. He might say something like: "If you rearrange the letters in the word "bread", you can spell "beard." Who the hell wants to eat beard?"

On the other hand, he might be a hit if the audience is stoned silly.

Meanwhille, in Wireless, things continue to look bleak: Kansas City Star | 12/11/2002 | Sprint to lay off another 2,100 workers

I love watching large people eat junk food, like Krispy Kreme Donuts, in meetings. They pick up the donut delicately between two fingers and daintily bring it to their mouths, taking just a small nibble at a time. Then gently, they dab the corners of their mouths with a napkin, as if a stray sugar flake would ruin their hard-won countenances. Sometimes, they even act like they are tasting it for the first time and say things like "Oh these are good. Has anyone tried these?"

Do they really think we believe they aren't just starving to get that donut down their gullets? How about that they haven't tasted a donut before? RRRRRRIGHT.

Just go on and cram that thing in your mouth! I know you want to! If we weren't watching you'd have swallowed that donut whole! You aren't fooling any of us! We don't believe that you eat normal, dainty bites of food all day and "just can't lose weight." For Pete's sake, Come on!

If you compare and contrast successful versus unsuccessful movies you can draw some interesting conclusions. Titanic (currently the all-time box-office champ) was a true story about a catastrophy illustrated as a backdrop to a fictional teen-age love story. Star Wars was an intergalactic cowboy movie centered around a teenage crush. Spider-Man was a long-awaited superhero movie about a teenager who gained super powers largely due to a crush on a girl. So here is the big secret to making millions of dollars on your movie, take any simple plot and weave a teenage love story into it.

I'm working on one right now about two teenage lovers aboard the Hindenburg.

I just made some people laugh by doing my "Johnny Two-Times" impression. It's amazing that such an obscure little nugget from a rapidly aging movie has such an impact on people who have no idea what "Goodfellas" is even about. I'll bet they rent it thinking it will be funny, then are horrified when they discover how brutal and violent it really is.